possible obsession

So the other day I went shopping with my mom and tried on a variety of clothes.  you know how some of the style now days is very tight fitting?  Well i was trying on a t-shirt and my mom goes "that really shows how skinny you are."  and in my head I think "yeah it really does, that is so cool!"  so within the past week or something I have been totally confident in my body.  I have always been small, but now I am a little thinner, and I love it!!!! I feel like if I am happy with myself now I will be happier if I am a little skinnier.   what I really love about my skinny body is that my hip bones stick out, and that my belly gets more defined.  I have suddenly gained this confidence in myself and am happy to show off this body. 

maybe I am not eating as much.  but this thing I am going for is not a "lets see how skinny I can get" its more of a "can I gain even more confidence in myself"

ATTACK

Last night I think I had a panic attack.  I just got so angry about things in my life.  I was super frustrated, stressed about something that is going to happen in the future, my computer wasnt working, people were annoying, and it all just built up and I got sooooo angry.  I wanted to scream so much.  and at this time of course I was crying, being so angry, have so many emotions coming out, being mad at myself for being this way.  It was pretty bad.  I also really felt the need to hurt myself.  I was banging hard on my head, not caring that it was too hard.  I clawed my skin.  I slammed by head into the side of my bed.  I drew blood from scrapping my thumb nail over a section on my arm over and over again.  And in my head I knew that I was acting irrationally and that hurting myself wouldnt help and that doing anything would be useless in helping me express my anger.   It was bad.  At the last moment I called my mom back to be with me because I was so angry and couldnt handle it by myself anymore.  Of course a little after she was trying I got annoyed with her and wanted to be alone again, but I was at least kind of calm by then.

Early Goodbye

This is how I feel about my aunt.  She passed away a few days after my post.  Its sad she is gone, but my relationship was over with her long before she got sick.  I cut her out of my life many years ago, and I couldn't bring myself to let go of the past. 
I never said goodbye and am not regretting it.  I knew it would be hard to see her in that condition (alcohol and organ failure does not look good on people), and I didn't really have anything to say.  I feel bad that I don't care more.  It makes me feel like I am going to hell because I am being such an awful person.
On facebook there was a group started for my aunt where everyone goes and posts pictures and memories about her.  I don't.  I absolutely avoid it.  One way that I am coping (or maybe doing the absolute opposite of coping) is to not let myself go too far back in my memory.  The things that are most recent are the things I remember, and they are not good.  And I have anger toward her that makes me want to erase her from my memory.  During the funeral service and shortly after I grieved for the person I lost a few years ago when alcohol changed her personality, and maybe because I had done that so long ago I felt less during this.

alcoholism

My aunt is an alcoholic.  She has been killing herself for at least 5 years.  Drinking 32+oz of cheap vodka every day. 
I hate her.  She has been ruining herself and our family.  Right now some of her organs are failing, and everyone has stopped their lives to go to her.  I have no pity for her.  But I greatly care about the people she is hurting.  My grandma called me today, and she didnt sound like herself anymore.  I am going to blame my aunt with all my rage if my grammie dies as a result of her illness or death. 

I cannot believe she did this to herself.  After all our tries to get her to stop she never listened, and now it is not only affecting her. And we deserve so much more.  The longer she holds on the worse I think it will be.  Her death would be devastating, and I would be truely heart broken, but I want my normal life back, and I dont want this black cloud hanging over me all day...........

epiphany

Wow, my new medicine is actually working.  I have depression and take medicine everyday.  Recently for awhile I have been not caring, being a hermit, not enjoying much.  Then I went to the doctor and he prescribed some oxytocin.  This is a drug that is supposed to reduce anxiety in many ways.  I remember when he was describing the things that it helped with was that it made you want to connect with other people, decrease irritability, and mediate some of the anxiety.  Well I have to say that in the last few days I have seen that I am wanting to connect more with people.  I am not being my usual really anti social self, which is good because being anti social sometimes makes me sad which does not help depression.  So I am noticing I want to be out of the house, which I am alone in most of the day.  I want to connect with friends more, via facebook mostly.  I am branching out and trying to get to know other people better.  It was a revelation that occurred to me today as I was finding myself starting conversations with lots of people in facebook, and beginning to interact with people in the blogging world. 
Its the small things that make the difference.

my truth

Nothing every gets done without deadlines. 

There is some stupid assignments in school, and if there were no deadlines I would never do anything. 

Darn teachers

I have my grades from my second semester of graduate school already posted.  I turned my 20 page paper in last monday, there are 15 people in the class, and the teacher had the grades up yesterday.  There is no way she read everyones paper and was able to grade it that quickly.  Why on earth does she make us write long papers to not even read them.  I guess I dont mind that she did not read them critically, but I feel like she probably didnt read them at all.

Mothers day card

I was inspired by the paper weaving 'The Crafty-Arty Kid' shared on her website.  You can check out her tutorial here

I started by collecting pink strips of paper.  I used my paper slicer to make straight lines, because I cannot do it on my own.  After cutting I got started.





 After making my pretty slices I used tape to secure them while I wove the strands in the other direction.  After this tedious task I had something really wonderful.





After making sure my weave pattern was big enough I added tape to the sides, then cut off the ends.  I had a lot of excess paper hanging off the edges.  I think it is pretty and didn't want to waste it.  So by some miracle I thought about putting it on a scrapbook page.  It looks like this:

And some day I hope to add some pictures to it.  I think it would be a good summer page, something with flowers and pool time pics.






This is what an hour of procrastination of homework looks like in my house.  Plus that papers not due for 5 days, so I've got time.  ;)

thruth time

I know why I am gaining weight.
        I have added soda into my diet.

Oh, but its so good. and the caffeine is always greatly appreciated.

sunday is not always sunny

I wrote this awhile ago but because of the title I felt like I had to wait till Sunday to post it.

Today I was hooked into watching a marathon of "The Fabulous Beekman Boys" on the planet green network.  They are pretty amazing.  Buying a farm to fulfill their dreams of growing their own food, making their own cheese, and almost anything else they want.  It's amazing that these two were able to make sacrifices to do what they love.  And it being a reality show, I know it does not show everything, but you can tell they have to work incredibly hard, and are succeeding in what they want to do.

So I was thinking today that I wish I could have the drive like them.  I have certain goals for my life, but they are not big dreams.  There are many things I want to do and wish I could experience, but they all seem so far out of reach.  I have ambition, like I want to finish grad school, buy a house, fix it up, maybe get married... But its the little things that really make me happy I feel like will never allow me to accomplish the things I want.  I find that I cannot keep my motivation up enough to actually see certain projects through.  Even going to school I have a motivation problem.  There are some days that I am go go go productive, then other days I have a list of what I want to do, but cant get off the couch to do them.  I really want to find something that inspires me so much that I will work even harder, and be motivated everyday to get the job done.  Since that opportunity hasn't presented itself yet maybe that says something about what I think I want out of life, like that I am not aiming in the right direction yet.

Being young is kind of sucky.  I don't have the traditional young adult life either.  I feel like most 20 somethings are out partying and making crazy choices, and here I am trying to plan the rest of my life, even though I really don't know anything.  But maybe there are only a few 20 somethings out there being crazy party animals (which is depicted a lot in reality shows) or taking the world by storm (and receiving extrordinary recognition becuase they are amazing), which may be why I have a warped sense of how I should be acting, or what the norm really is.

Learn more about the Beekman Boys at: http://planetgreen.discovery.com/tv/the-fabulous-beekman-boys/the-fabulous-beekman-boys.html

Movie Day

I saw Jane Eyre this afternoon.  It was a really good movie.  oh I love the old-time romance when love was about being intellectually compatible and was not all about sex. 

The Mentalist

Why is it that television shows sometimes show people dying on screen?  It doesn't happen that often, but I wonder what compels them to air something like that. 
Tonight I was watching the mentalist and at the end a man who had a terminal disease decided to take pills to kill himself, and they showed his last seconds.  A similar situation happened in House when Amber died after a car accident, and that got me too.  I am sitting here crying while I write, I don't understand how or why they show something so sad... I don't know why it makes me cry so much, but thinking about people dying and seeing it on television is sooooo sad.  My great grandmother passed away last year at 100 and she left very slowly, and everyone stood around the bed waiting for her to go.  I tried so hard to stay and be there for the rest of my family but I couldn't be in the room waiting for something so bad too happen.  I had to leave the room, and it gets me every time when people are suffering.

wednesday project

I found this WONDERFUL tutorial this weekend, and have been dying the make it and use it all week.  Its called a 'Make-up Magnetic Board.'  I found it on a cute blog, which you can find here, http://laurathoughts81.blogspot.com/2011/03/make-up-magnet-board.html

I loved it so much I wanted desperately to make one of my own.  Very proactive for me, usually I just dream about making things...  So the first thing I needed was a frame, and a piece of metal for inside the picture frame.  Upon reading that Laura had to go out and buy the metal sheet I thought oh man I cant make this thing... Then I remembered that a few years ago my aunt made me a magnet board with a picture glued to the
front.  It was the epiphany of all epiphanies.  So I took the picture off (that had been painted on regular paper) and attached by fabric with adhesive. The paper was a bit hard to get off, so I scraped it with some type of exacto knife.  Went outside, did some spraying, let it dry, and voila it was ready and oh so perfect.  I bought a great color for my room. 

And I wanted to make this so badly so that I would have a way to keep my makeup organized.  Well I thought I had way more makeup than this... But I realized some of it would not be attachable to the board, so I lost a good chunk of the makeup that I originally thought may have gone up there. 


Even if I dont have a lot of makeup, it was an excellent way to spend my day!

a saturday spent alone.

I went out this morning for some thrifting.  I went out to a nearby goodwill and wouldn't you know it was a half price saturday.  So it was busy, and kind of crazy.  But it didnt bother me too much, I was feeling very zen about the day.  After checking out the frames and household stuff I walked through the clothing.  I dont need more clothes, and I know this, so I didnt want to buy anything, but then I saw a very cute top.  AND it was a Michael Kors jacket! with the sale it was a whole $4.50.  So I had to snatch it up, um obviously.  Then I went around the rest of the clothing department, looking for professional attire, didnt find anything though.

I am so excited about this jacket, and even though we are headed for summer I am going to wear it as much as possible. This trip made my whole day! I cannot believe I found it and at such a deal.

These is on of the most annoying things...

You know what really irks me?  When my moms boyfriend is around and tries to be a father.  I don't need another one of those.  He gets over protective and wants to know all this business that I won't tell anyone but my mom.  My mom doesn't even ask me the dumb shit you do, and I don't want to answer.  Its annoying how I am stuck with this person and I have no say.   I am old enough to go out do whatever I want LEAVE ME ALONE. Stop trying to be my dad, you have your own children, go be their dad.

I am 21, and I know this is very selfish and bratty, but sometimes my immaturity takes hold and I can't help but feel angry about this.

Job

My TRUTH:
----
I am glad my job allows me to paint my nails in any way I want.  I dont have to worry about being 'very professional' and censored.  I had a st. patty's day theme this week.  Now I am going to make monster nails, like the ones below.  Should be fun!

http://www.cutoutandkeep.net/projects/monster-nails-my-version-of-cute-monster-nails

Shocker

MT TRUTH:
Can't marry my favorite television star because he is gay.  I wish I never looked him up on the internet, the fantasy is ruined!
:(

My secret

Today you get a secret rather than a truth

My secret:
I don't think Boog knows how much it means to me that I am always invited to hang out at her house.

If I didn't have her and them I fell so much more alone.

As you can tell, this is kind of a hard day for me.

Emotional rollercoaster

My truth:
I am an emotional eatter.

Yesterday wasn't really what I would consider a bad day, but I felt so crappy.  I usually work only two days a week, and for the next two weeks I am working everyday.  And it is kind of a lonely job, so I am not looking forward to it.  And because I am working so much I am feeling down about this whole week.  In a kind of depressed way.  Not that I am not thankful for working, because I am, but it takes some adjusting to get used to. 
So yesterday I went to school at night, and it was torturous!!!! just awful, about evaluation of programs... BORING!  then I didnt want to go home, because I usually spend all day at home alone, so it didn't make me happy.  So I decided to stop at safeway.  And at safeway I bought 4 doughnuts.  only a $1.37 too, pretty good deal.  Then I got in my car, and ate them as a drove home.  I eat large amounts of food when I am down.  Its like i have to eat until i am full to feel satisfied with life.  Ok life might be a bit extreme, but eating definitely beings to fill some kind of void inside me. 

Motivation

My truth: some weeks are better than others.

I find that some weeks I am completely motivated to be the best in school and at work.  Then other weeks I feel as though all of the stuff I am doing is not doing any good.  It baffles me that some days I am so ready to work on homework and learn something new, then for no reason at all it feels like a chore that I an unable to complete.
    Sometimes I am very intent on finding a new job, on that is 'professional' and that will improve my resume, but then I get depressed by my lack of qualifications and abandon my search.
    I don't know why every week is different.  This week I had a paper due, finished it after a lot of complaining, then for my next class couldn't get myself to read the material.  Now I am trying to finish an online midterm that I have had for two weeks and is due on Sunday.  I really have no motivation.  I am also not working much so there is no reason for me to leave the house so I get lazy.  If I do leave the house it is to spend money, which I cannot afford to do working fewer hours and getting less money, so I stay home, yet am unmotivated even though I have nothing better to do.
    NOTHING BETTER TO DO, yet I cannot get myself to put enough effort into the things I have to do.

school started

My truth:  I loose all my time for hobbies when school starts.  School seems so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like I cant ever get any 'me' time.

bad week

I have been doing extremely bad with my money this week.  And my hours at work got a huge cut, so I should be watching what I spend, but I just haven't been.  Sometimes I think I use shopping to make me feel better.  I justify it to myself that I am not buying worthless things.  I buy lots of stuff for crafts, stuff to better organize my room, stuff for others.  When I am not working I do not want to stay cooped up alone in the house so I go out to stores and buy things so that I have something to do.  Not the greatest plan, I am realizing.  There is great flaw in my logic, because working less means I shouldn't shop as much, but since I am not working I have more time to go out and shop.  Yeah, I am trying to reconcile these two facts.

But in some ways I do think that my hours getting cut is a kind of blessing because I have been meaning to try to find work elsewhere, and hopefully above min wage, but I didn't avidly look because I thought that I liked what I was doing.  And while I still like it, it does not help me professionally.  I really need some professional work experience to put on my resume to put me in a better position for a better paying job.  So this hour cut has given me the push in the butt I needed to vigilantly being my job search.  -- though I am very picky about my hours and where I want to work so I don't know how successful I will be in my job search.

jan 25

My TrUtH:

when I feel like I have a fulfilling life I don't need facebook.

=(

Jan 24

My truth...

           I like to be gluttonous all by myself.

:0

January 15th

My Truth...

              writing is my way of coping.

It is sure better to get things out than keep them bottled up inside.

Growing up

I used to think that I would never want to marry someone who already had kids, as if somehow that made them less worthy of my affection.  But recently I have been seeing how childish that view really is.  Its like I had an epiphany today. 

I am not sure where this distorted notion came from.  I just distinctively remember thinking that a child or children from a previous relationship would be a deal breaker when picking a guy. 

Thank god for growing up an learning the important things in life.  I can see through others that I was and still am naive about relationships and the things in life that should and should not be important. 

I am glad I am surrounded with people who teach me something new EVERYDAY.

January 13

My truth . . . I feel best when I am creating something.

Inspirational Quotes

Am I Qualified?

I am about to apply for a prestigious internship, and as I read the requirements I am very nervous that they will laugh at my application because I am young and have almost no experience.  If feels like there is pressure  just filling out an application.  I am somewhat of a perfectionist, and used to being good at what I do, so trying for such an amazing internship is really making me question my abilities.  It would be really cool to get an internship like this, but should I put this much time into something like this when my chances are so low?

I guess there is no harm in trying, but it will take up a lot of my time.  I don't really have a huge amount of other responsibilities, so there is no reason I shouldn't try.

How should I keep my confidence up though?

A 'new year' truth...

... hot glue is the new answer to everything ............. duck tape was so 2010.


I have been being crafty lately.  A little hot glue and scrap material creates many beautiful things.  These little accomplishments I made do console me a little when I am feeling alone.

New Year

I hope this is a good new year.  The truth is that I am feeling not so motivated in life.  I have school, and work, and those are the components of my life right now.  My job is fun most of the time, and I can't imagine ever leaving.  I work with kids and they are so much fun.  I want to stay there to watch them grow up, but there are so many other possibilities that I have, and I am so young that I cannot stay at this dead end job... It kind of breaks my heart.  As far as school it is not what I want to be doing with my life anymore, so there is some serious lack of motivation.  And as I try to find something else I would love more I am not interested in any other types of master's programs, but I don't just want to quit without a solid plan B.

One thing that I want this year is to become more social.  I am quite to home body, and have not really made many friends since leaving undergrad.  It makes me sad sometimes that my life is so small. 

I have decided I will make a big poster that reads: Be Optimistic; in hopes that it will inspire me everyday.