possible obsession

So the other day I went shopping with my mom and tried on a variety of clothes.  you know how some of the style now days is very tight fitting?  Well i was trying on a t-shirt and my mom goes "that really shows how skinny you are."  and in my head I think "yeah it really does, that is so cool!"  so within the past week or something I have been totally confident in my body.  I have always been small, but now I am a little thinner, and I love it!!!! I feel like if I am happy with myself now I will be happier if I am a little skinnier.   what I really love about my skinny body is that my hip bones stick out, and that my belly gets more defined.  I have suddenly gained this confidence in myself and am happy to show off this body. 

maybe I am not eating as much.  but this thing I am going for is not a "lets see how skinny I can get" its more of a "can I gain even more confidence in myself"

ATTACK

Last night I think I had a panic attack.  I just got so angry about things in my life.  I was super frustrated, stressed about something that is going to happen in the future, my computer wasnt working, people were annoying, and it all just built up and I got sooooo angry.  I wanted to scream so much.  and at this time of course I was crying, being so angry, have so many emotions coming out, being mad at myself for being this way.  It was pretty bad.  I also really felt the need to hurt myself.  I was banging hard on my head, not caring that it was too hard.  I clawed my skin.  I slammed by head into the side of my bed.  I drew blood from scrapping my thumb nail over a section on my arm over and over again.  And in my head I knew that I was acting irrationally and that hurting myself wouldnt help and that doing anything would be useless in helping me express my anger.   It was bad.  At the last moment I called my mom back to be with me because I was so angry and couldnt handle it by myself anymore.  Of course a little after she was trying I got annoyed with her and wanted to be alone again, but I was at least kind of calm by then.

Early Goodbye

This is how I feel about my aunt.  She passed away a few days after my post.  Its sad she is gone, but my relationship was over with her long before she got sick.  I cut her out of my life many years ago, and I couldn't bring myself to let go of the past. 
I never said goodbye and am not regretting it.  I knew it would be hard to see her in that condition (alcohol and organ failure does not look good on people), and I didn't really have anything to say.  I feel bad that I don't care more.  It makes me feel like I am going to hell because I am being such an awful person.
On facebook there was a group started for my aunt where everyone goes and posts pictures and memories about her.  I don't.  I absolutely avoid it.  One way that I am coping (or maybe doing the absolute opposite of coping) is to not let myself go too far back in my memory.  The things that are most recent are the things I remember, and they are not good.  And I have anger toward her that makes me want to erase her from my memory.  During the funeral service and shortly after I grieved for the person I lost a few years ago when alcohol changed her personality, and maybe because I had done that so long ago I felt less during this.

alcoholism

My aunt is an alcoholic.  She has been killing herself for at least 5 years.  Drinking 32+oz of cheap vodka every day. 
I hate her.  She has been ruining herself and our family.  Right now some of her organs are failing, and everyone has stopped their lives to go to her.  I have no pity for her.  But I greatly care about the people she is hurting.  My grandma called me today, and she didnt sound like herself anymore.  I am going to blame my aunt with all my rage if my grammie dies as a result of her illness or death. 

I cannot believe she did this to herself.  After all our tries to get her to stop she never listened, and now it is not only affecting her. And we deserve so much more.  The longer she holds on the worse I think it will be.  Her death would be devastating, and I would be truely heart broken, but I want my normal life back, and I dont want this black cloud hanging over me all day...........

epiphany

Wow, my new medicine is actually working.  I have depression and take medicine everyday.  Recently for awhile I have been not caring, being a hermit, not enjoying much.  Then I went to the doctor and he prescribed some oxytocin.  This is a drug that is supposed to reduce anxiety in many ways.  I remember when he was describing the things that it helped with was that it made you want to connect with other people, decrease irritability, and mediate some of the anxiety.  Well I have to say that in the last few days I have seen that I am wanting to connect more with people.  I am not being my usual really anti social self, which is good because being anti social sometimes makes me sad which does not help depression.  So I am noticing I want to be out of the house, which I am alone in most of the day.  I want to connect with friends more, via facebook mostly.  I am branching out and trying to get to know other people better.  It was a revelation that occurred to me today as I was finding myself starting conversations with lots of people in facebook, and beginning to interact with people in the blogging world. 
Its the small things that make the difference.

my truth

Nothing every gets done without deadlines. 

There is some stupid assignments in school, and if there were no deadlines I would never do anything. 

Darn teachers

I have my grades from my second semester of graduate school already posted.  I turned my 20 page paper in last monday, there are 15 people in the class, and the teacher had the grades up yesterday.  There is no way she read everyones paper and was able to grade it that quickly.  Why on earth does she make us write long papers to not even read them.  I guess I dont mind that she did not read them critically, but I feel like she probably didnt read them at all.