This is how I feel about my aunt. She passed away a few days after my post. Its sad she is gone, but my relationship was over with her long before she got sick. I cut her out of my life many years ago, and I couldn't bring myself to let go of the past.
I never said goodbye and am not regretting it. I knew it would be hard to see her in that condition (alcohol and organ failure does not look good on people), and I didn't really have anything to say. I feel bad that I don't care more. It makes me feel like I am going to hell because I am being such an awful person.
On facebook there was a group started for my aunt where everyone goes and posts pictures and memories about her. I don't. I absolutely avoid it. One way that I am coping (or maybe doing the absolute opposite of coping) is to not let myself go too far back in my memory. The things that are most recent are the things I remember, and they are not good. And I have anger toward her that makes me want to erase her from my memory. During the funeral service and shortly after I grieved for the person I lost a few years ago when alcohol changed her personality, and maybe because I had done that so long ago I felt less during this.
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