ATTACK

Last night I think I had a panic attack.  I just got so angry about things in my life.  I was super frustrated, stressed about something that is going to happen in the future, my computer wasnt working, people were annoying, and it all just built up and I got sooooo angry.  I wanted to scream so much.  and at this time of course I was crying, being so angry, have so many emotions coming out, being mad at myself for being this way.  It was pretty bad.  I also really felt the need to hurt myself.  I was banging hard on my head, not caring that it was too hard.  I clawed my skin.  I slammed by head into the side of my bed.  I drew blood from scrapping my thumb nail over a section on my arm over and over again.  And in my head I knew that I was acting irrationally and that hurting myself wouldnt help and that doing anything would be useless in helping me express my anger.   It was bad.  At the last moment I called my mom back to be with me because I was so angry and couldnt handle it by myself anymore.  Of course a little after she was trying I got annoyed with her and wanted to be alone again, but I was at least kind of calm by then.

Early Goodbye

This is how I feel about my aunt.  She passed away a few days after my post.  Its sad she is gone, but my relationship was over with her long before she got sick.  I cut her out of my life many years ago, and I couldn't bring myself to let go of the past. 
I never said goodbye and am not regretting it.  I knew it would be hard to see her in that condition (alcohol and organ failure does not look good on people), and I didn't really have anything to say.  I feel bad that I don't care more.  It makes me feel like I am going to hell because I am being such an awful person.
On facebook there was a group started for my aunt where everyone goes and posts pictures and memories about her.  I don't.  I absolutely avoid it.  One way that I am coping (or maybe doing the absolute opposite of coping) is to not let myself go too far back in my memory.  The things that are most recent are the things I remember, and they are not good.  And I have anger toward her that makes me want to erase her from my memory.  During the funeral service and shortly after I grieved for the person I lost a few years ago when alcohol changed her personality, and maybe because I had done that so long ago I felt less during this.